Excerpts from Mutatis Mutandis

Sanjeev Khandekar
Translated from Marathi by Abhay Sardesai

1.  

The Doctor should have realised it  
Before my wife did.  
At least, the nurse should have.  
I met the nurse. ‘Sister, is it serious?’ I asked.  
She said, ‘Ask the Doctor. Don’t hold me responsible.’  
‘Of course I don’t hold you responsible!’ I said.  
‘All I want to ask is – did you notice anything?’  
The nurse replied,  
‘The Doctor seems to be really hassled.  
So many patients, so many emergencies.  
No.14 is still in labour, you see’.  
‘Even now?’ I asked.  
‘Mind your own business’ she said  
And stormed away.  
‘If you need the Gita, the Koran, the Bible, etc.  
You’ll get it at the help desk' she offered, on her way out.  
‘God bless you’ she murmured, under her breath.  
‘Doctor…!’ I shouted out.  
The Doctor looked up and nodded.  
‘So, you have noticed it!’ I asked.  
He nodded again.  
And said, ‘It is quite normal. Don’t worry.’ 
‘Normal?’ I asked with disbelief.  
‘Normal, as in, it sometimes happens this way’ 
he replied. In a jar on his table was a fetus floating in a murky liquid.  
Two fetuses, probably. With bellies stuck, each to each.  
The Doctor saw me staring at the jar.  

2. 

‘What I meant to say was—’ began the Doctor.  
‘And what did you mean to say?’ I asked.  
‘This happens sometimes because of the delivery stress.  
And to make it worse, your wife is the emotional type.’  
‘I don’t understand,’ I replied.  
‘Don’t worry. She’ll be fine by tomorrow.  
She has had a normal delivery.  
Yes, there were painful cramps.  
But, your baby is healthy and normal!’ he added.  
I heaved a sigh and gulped drily.  
‘Exactly. I did not feel there was anything abnormal,’ I said.  
The Doctor said, ‘Go home now.  
And yes, this is the bill.  
Sleep well. You are in safe hands.  
God bless you.’  
I fished out a wad of notes from my wallet.  
The Doctor handed me a receipt.  
I entered the ward again.  
Passing several pregnant women, I reached my wife’s room.  
‘Can this child be ours?’  
My wife asked me yet again. 
‘Whose else’s can it be?’ I asked.  
‘I’ve never had sex with anyone else,’ she insisted.  
‘Yes, of course,’ I reassured her.  
‘Then, how come?’ asked my wife.  
I said, ‘Everything is fine. Everything is normal’.  
She burst out, ‘What is normal?’  
And said, ‘Look, he has green hair.  
Do you have green hair?’  
I replied, ‘No, but God bless him.’  
She said, ‘Do I have green hair?’  
I said, ‘No, but they may well turn green some day’.  
She said, ‘Look, he has stripes all over his body, like a tiger.  
Do you have stripes on your body?’  
I said, ‘No, but I can paint them.’  
She said, ‘I am serious.  
Do I have stripes on my body then?’  
I said, ‘No. None that I have seen.’  
‘Then, how does he have them?’  
I replied, ‘Shut your eyes. Don’t take too much stress.  
Get some sleep.  
You know, we sometimes become victims  
Of our own hallucinations.  
Let’s deal with this tomorrow, shall we?’  
She shut her eyes. I began patting her back.  
The baby began sucking at her breast.  
It looked lovely. ‘God bless you,’ I said.  
‘Catch some sleep,’ I said.